(LIFE IS A ROCK PLAYING)
B.B. Bumble and the Stingers Mott the Hoople, Ray Charles Singers
Lonnie Mack and twanging Eddy Here's my ring, we're going steady
Take it easy, take me higher Liar, liar, house on fire
Locomotion, Poco, Passion Deeper Purple, Satisfaction
Baby, baby gotta, gotta Gimme, gimme getting hotter
Sammy's cooking, Lesley Gore And Ritchie Valens, end of story
Mahavishnu, fujiyama Kama-sutra, rama-lama
Richard Perry, Spector, Barry, Archies Righteous, Nilsson, Harry
Shimmy shimmy ko-ko bop and Fats is back and finger popping
Life is a rock, but the radio rolled me
Gotta turn it up louder So my DJ told me
Life is a rock, but the radio rolled me
(ON RADIO) But the radio Life is a rock, but the radio
Arthur Janov's primal screaming Hawkins, Jay and Dale and Ronnie
Kukla, Fran and Norma Okla
Denver, John and Osmond, Donny JJ Cale and ZZ Top
LL Bean and De De Dinah David Bowie, Steely Dan
And sing me prouder, CC Rider Edgar Winter, Joanie Sommers
Osmond Brothers, Johnny Thunders
VIC: That's right, Sammy. Shake your money maker.
Come on, Sammy. Go, Sammy.
-Dad? -Yeah, Sammy!
(WHOOPING)
Life is a rock, but the radio rolled me
That's my boy!
(LAUGHING)
Come on. Move those feet, Sammy.
Yeah. Go, Sammy.
(LAUGHING)
Go, Sammy.
(LAUGHING)
Dad!
(SIREN BLARING)
WINDY: Just give me another six hours.
Windy? What are you doing in my bed?
I think there's a mouse in my apartment. I couldn't sleep there.
Windy, when we exchanged keys, it was in case of emergency.
Since when are mouse droppings not an emergency?
Okay. Was it a mouse or mouse droppings?
Mouse droppings are like the encyclopedia salesman's brochures
of the rodent world.
They let you know they were there and that they're coming back soon.
Yeah.
Why do mice and only mice get "droppings,"
when every other critter gets poop or crap or turd?
Well, rabbits have also been bestowed with droppings.
And bats have guano, and cows have dung.
Right. And then there's manure.
-I always forget about manure. -Yeah. Windy,
this is not how I prefer to start my day,
discussing the species of feces.
I had the dream again.
-Of the future? -Every night now.
Different versions of me being there.
What do you think it means?
I think it means I'm further away than I ever was.
Or maybe, rather, possibly...
Maybe, rather, possibly what?
Maybe, rather, possibly, it means that you are close to going back.
My name is Sam Tyler.
I was in an accident and I woke up in 1973.
I don't know how or why I'm here,
but whatever's happened, it's like I've landed on a different planet.
Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.
Because people have got to know
whether or not their president is a crook.
Well, I'm not a crook. I've earned everything I've got.
Let me just say this...
-It's the end of days, right? -Not so fast.
I believe him. He ain't no crook.
You'll see, Dick Nixon's in for the long run.
Or maybe you won't have Nixon to kick around anymore,
for good this time.
He's never gonna get over this.
What's funny, Chris?
-Well, I voted for McGovern. -Come on. Right over here.
-But don't tell Ray. -Okay.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
-1 -2-5 Squad. Detective Tyler. -MAN: Hello, Sam.
-Still want to go home? -Of course.
I'm gonna need you to do three things, Sam.
You do these three things, you'll be back.
-Three things? -First,
I'm going to need you to save yourself, Sam.
-What do you mean? -You have to save yourself.
That's the first thing. I'll be in touch.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
-Detective Skywalker. -Ma'am, hold it.
-Come on. -Detective Skywalker.
-Rose? -Please.
-Are you okay? What is it? -It's Sammy. My Sammy.
-What about him? -He's gone.
His father came and took him. And he's gone.
You're saying Vic has been coming around
and you neglected to let us know?
He told me it was all a misunderstanding,
that he had been wrongly accused.
That the cops, that you people were trying to railroad him.
And you believed him?
Lady, how many times does one guy have to crap on your head
-before you stop wearing it as a hat? -Ray.
-What? -Easy.
Okay.
Rose. Just tell us what happened, please.
He came by today.
He brought me flowers. A toy for Sammy.
He said that he would be able to fix everything,
that everything was gonna be okay, and that we could be a family again.
And then he asked me to go fetch him
one of those ice cream cups he likes. And I went into the kitchen,
and then when I came back, he was gone with Sammy.
All right. Put out an alarm.
Moskowitz, have the troops looking for Vic Tyler yet again.
Considered armed and dangerous. And he's got his kid in tow.
MAN: Got it.
GENE: Ray.
Look at those cavemen go.
Rose, do you have any idea where Vic might have taken little Sammy?
He has a room.
In a basement down on Garrett. A little room. Maybe they're there.
Okay.
-Do you have an address? -Here.
Good.
Thanks, Mom... I mean, thank you.
-Detective. -Yeah.
When you find Sammy, will you give him this, please?
It's his favorite.
Don't worry, Rose. We're gonna find Sammy.
And you and he are going to have a long life together.
And when you're gray and old,
he's going to read Gulliver's Travels to you.
How can you be so sure?
Trust me. I know.
What's taking Ray and Chris so long to get here?
-GENE: You okay, Detective? -Yeah.
No.
We gotta find little Sammy. Vic Tyler is...
This guy shot you. I appreciate that.
The five men that shot me since I've been on the job,
I swore I'd hunt them down, each and every one.
Even those that were in jail or dead,
until I realized that was a fool's mission.
Revenge is for the weak. The strong,
they brush it off. And say, "Thanks for the gunshot, dinkweed,
"but I didn't even feel it."
Yeah. It's just...
This family. I feel connected to them somehow.
You got family, Tyler, in Hyde?
Nope. Not anymore.
Not so much as you'd hope.
Well, maybe that's why you came to the 1 -2-5.
'Cause we're just a big brick-blasting, crime-stopping, ass-kicking family,
aren't we, then?
(LAUGHS)
-I suppose you are. -I suppose we are, you mean.
I suppose we are, I mean.
All right.
(EXHALES)
Boss, what if I told you that I don't know
what or where Hyde is?
And what if I told you that I was hit by a car in 2008
and I woke up here? What would you say about all that?
I'd say that explains everything.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Yeah.
We don't have to wait for Chris and Ray.
Let's get this candle lit.
-You really been shot five times, Gene? -Shot five times. Shot at 351 times.
-You count? -Two things you always count, Tyler,
gunshots and blessings.
You take the front. I'll take the back.
(DOOR CREAKlNG)
Stop right there, cowboy. Don't move. Back it up.
Put them on.
Where's the key?
(GROANS)
How're you doing, kiddo? Daddy's home.
(GROANS)
Hey, Bumper, grab that for me.
Don't mind him, Sammy. He's just sleeping.
He's our buddy. He's a good guy. But he's always tired.
How about a trip, Sammy? You want to take a trip?
You want to go far away? Then Mommy, she'll come meet us.
We'll have a real good time. You know, we'll eat ice cream
and hunt for crabs all day on the beach.
-That sound good, huh? -That sounds good.
Yeah. That sounds good.
Look at Bumper.
No. No.
Get him in the van. Come on, let's go.
Your husband was wanted by the law.
And you let him just come in and out of your home
whenever he wanted, without letting us know.
Which is called hindering prosecution,
-and can land you square in the pokey. -Sir.
-What is it, No-Nuts? -Maybe we should take it easy on her.
We got a wit, says he saw two guys,
one that matches Vic's description with a little kid,
carrying a drunk into a van. He didn't catch the plates, though.
You see, our man was taken.
I know. I feel terrible about Detective Skywalker.
-Who? -What?
-Detective Skywalker. -Yeah, we don't know who that is.
-Luke. Luke, Luke Skywalker? -I am not in a pleasant mood, lady.
So either you tell us where that scheming guttersnipe
husband of yours took my guy,
or you'll be baking tuna casserole for 300 ugly broads
in the crappy kitchen in a women's penitentiary.
I don't know.
Don't you think I would tell you if I knew? He's got my son!
He's got my son.
(ROSE SOBBlNG)
(BEEPING)
-Where's the boy? -The boy is just fine.
Where?
You think I'd hurt my own son? Is that what you think?
That's what we call irony.
(SAM GASPlNG)
You're a freak, you know that? You're one fine freak.
But I recognized that the first time I ever laid eyes on you.
You know what else you are?
You are the missing piece of the puzzle.
And I didn't realize it
until you came galloping into the flop this morning.
-What the hell are you talking about? -We're making big moves.
A brand new operation. We're gonna make so much money
that we're gonna be able to make a cash offer
for the whole island of Manhattan.
We're gonna eat roast beef three times a day.
All I need is a man inside.
A cop on my pad. And that's where you fit in.
-You can't do this, Vic. -Sure I can.
And with your help. You play this boy scout,
but you're really a demon. I can see that.
You're a bloodthirsty mongrel.
You're depraved and you're furious because you want things to be different.
I can see that, too.
Because after all, it takes one to know one, boy.
ANNlE: Hi, Rose.
(DOOR CLOSlNG)
Lieutenant Hunt asked me to talk to you.
"Twirl to twirl," as he put it.
Yeah, I gotta say, I don't know how you work for those men.
Well, I just pretend it's far, far in the future
and they work for me.
Rose, I need you to think. Where would Vic take them?
-Where would he take little Sammy? -I don't know.
I don't know anything about him anymore.
We've been together 1 1 years. Married for seven. But he's...
-He's a stranger to me now. -Detective Skywalker.
He talks about you and Sammy.
You're on his mind a lot.
Why is that, do you think?
Well, I think it's because, in a lot of ways,
you remind him of his own mother.
-That's funny, you saying that. -Why?
Sometimes
when I'm with him, Detective Skywalker, I swear
it's like I'm looking at my own Sammy.
(SNlFFLlNG)
All grown up.
It's occurred to me many times.
As a mother, you have a vision
of what your child is going to be like as an adult.
And for me, my idea, my ideal of little Sammy as a man
always goes to Detective Skywalker. It's silly, I know.
No. Not at all.
(GROANS)
Vic wasn't always like this.
We had really great times in the beginning. Really great times.
-You were happy? -Very happy.
When were you the happiest?
It's not so much when as where.
Before Sammy was born,
we used to summer in this lovely little seaside town.
In fact, it's where Sammy was conceived.
-What was the name of the town, Rose? -Hyde.
The name of the town was Hyde.
(BEEPING)
You wanted to say goodbye to your father.
We just chose which father.
You're almost there, Sam. You're so close.
The sandman's coming from a distant star
His silver...
-What is this place? -I had to bring her here.
She missed her Hyde.
(BEEPlNG)
(MECHANlCAL WHlRRlNG)
RIZZO: 1-2-5 Squad.
Yeah, this is Detective Tyler. Get me Lieutenant Hunt.
Detective, where are you? You all right? It's Rizzo.
Yeah, l...
MAN: Hey there, Sam. Back to the egg, huh, fella?
What do you want? What is this place?
It's the mother ship, Sam. It's where it all begins and ends.
Why don't you just tell me who you are?
It's you, isn't it? It's Frank Morgan.
I told you there were three things you have to do.
You're on your way to doing the first thing.
Now I need you to do the second thing.
-And what's the second thing? -The second thing?
-You gotta duck. -What?
Just duck.
(GUN FlRlNG)
Enter.
I can't get the Hyde Police Department on the phone.
It just rings and rings and rings.
That's because the entire Hyde police force
is comprised of one fat man and a Doberman pinscher.
So what do we do?
Well, what we shouldn't do is start to jump to conclusions
that just because No-Nuts thinks all roads lead to Hyde,
-that all roads lead to Hyde. -I'm telling you, Sam is in Hyde.
-Tell us why you're telling us. -What, didn't you know?
Her and the Spaceman have a connection.
They're, what do you call, kindred spirits.
If No-Nuts burns herself on the stove, then Tyler winces two towns over.
Right, No-Nuts?
-Not at all. -Please. They're in love.
Tyler burps and she looks at him like he's singing a melody.
I mean, to me the whole thing is nauseating.
All right, all right.
-ls that true, Norris? -No, sir.
Then what makes you so sure they're in Hyde?
I know it, sir. I know it in my bones. They're in Hyde.
(GROANING)
-Where's the boy? -I don't know.
(GROANS)
Vic'll kill me, I tell you!
It goes like this. If you don't tell me, I kill you.
I'll kill you with my own bare hands.
You know what an awful way that is to die?
Beaten to death? Some say it's the worst.
You know why? 'Cause it really, really hurts.
Wait a minute! For God's sake, wait a minute. We got a boat.
Vic wants to take his kid away. Far away. On a boat.
Want to take a trip? You want to go far away?
Then Mommy, she'll come meet us. We'll have a real good time.
You sure you're a cop? 'Cause you look like an astronaut.
Where's the boat?
Sammy.
-How you doing, kid? -I miss my mommy.
You know what? I got something for you.
From Mommy. So you play with that and I'll be right back, okay?
Don't move.
Oh, man. I swear to God, there's a nuclear war
and all humanity is wiped out,
it's just gonna be you and the cockroaches.
What are your thoughts on that, huh?
Do you like being the king of the cockroaches, Sam?
-I'm taking you in, Vic. -Yeah, no, that's not gonna happen.
You see, me and Sammy, we're gonna get out of Dodge for a while,
Iet the new operation take hold.
And then we're gonna cruise back here, father and son,
and we're gonna eat all the butter and eggs in New York City.
That little boy in there, he worships you.
He thinks you're heroic, Vic. But he also senses something else.
He can't find the words,
but he recognizes the darkness inside of you.
And he's terrified of it.
You know what the really bad news is for you right now?
No. Why don't you tell me?
I'm not.
I'm not afraid of you anymore, Vic.
And I sure as hell don't think you're heroic.
(VIC GROANING)
(SAM GRUNTlNG)
(GROANS)
(SNARLlNG)
(LAUGHING)
Last chance, Detective. You want to come work with me now?
-You can't do this, Vic. -Why not?
Because I'm your son.
I know you are.
(GUN FlRES)
(COUGHING)
How did you know where to find me?
No-Nuts here is becoming a regular Columbo.
-You okay, Tyler? -Yeah.
Thanks, Gene.
(MONA LISAS AND MAD HATTERS PLAYING)
And now I know
Spanish harlem are not just pretty words to say
-Sammy. -Mommy!
Sammy.
(CRYlNG)
I'm sorry about Vic.
He went wrong a long time ago. I just refused to see it.
At least now he can't poison my little boy.
I told you when you're gray and old,
Sam's going to read to you from Gulliver's Travels.
And I thank the Lord
There's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
By the way, my name isn't Luke Skywalker.
-It's not? -No.
It's Sam. It's Sam Tyler.
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)
Enter!
This Broadway's got
It's got a lot of songs to sing
-You wanted to see me, sir? -I did.
I have given this a lot of thought, Norris.
And it pains me to have to say it,
but I do think you are no longer worthy of this badge.
-Sir? -You're not.
You are worthy of this one.
I am promoting you to detective.
Thank you, sir.
Ray, would you like to inform her of the new moniker?
Come on, Ray.
(SHOUTlNG)
No More No-Nuts Norris.
Yes, indeed. Detective Third Grade No More No-Nuts Norris.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
(ANNlE LAUGHING)
They know not if it's dark outside or light
(SlGHS)
Sam? Sure you're okay?
I don't know, Chris.
I don't know why things happen the way they do.
Do you?
Goes like this, Spaceman. We live on a rock.
There ain't no rhyme, there ain't no reason, we live on a rock.
Just one of many hurtling around in some big cosmic jambalaya.
Now you want to get questiony, that's your prerogative.
-Ray, not now. He... -Uh-uh.
My ma took me to a big, loud church every Sunday.
She squeezed her eyes shut,
she pressed her rosary beads to her lips and she prayed
for good things for those she loved. But cancer took two of her sisters.
Her husband couldn't make a move without a belly full of gin.
Her youngest son turned to a life of crime.
And her oldest, me, is a nasty son of a bitch
who can't get out of third gear without a snarl.
So who was she talking to every Sunday?
And why wasn't he answering?
I will tell you why. Because we live on a rock.
Just one of many. There ain't no answers. There's just this.
And all you can really hope to do is find a couple of people
who will make the 70 or 80 odd years we get to live
on this sweet, swinging sphere remotely tolerable.
I gotta take a leak.
What he said.
They know not if it's dark outside or light
2B, listen to this.
Okay. So that party that I was telling you about, the one in Soho.
Yeah, well, David Bowie was there,
and he asked me to move to Spain with him and raise praying mantises.
David Bowie?
Why does it always come back to David Bowie?
Do you really think that Eric Clapton is God?
(ROBOT BEEPlNG)
Like the bumper stickers say? I mean, I really hope so.
It would make the world a safer place. Don't you think, 2B?
I mean, everybody worshipping rock and roll.
I could be like, okay, let's see...
"They made signs for me to come down from the rock
"and go towards the shore, which I accordingly did,
"and the flying island being raised to a convenient height,
-"the verge directly over me." -We should let her get some rest.
Okay. Thanks, Ellen.
Gulliver's Travels? Love that book.
Yeah, I used to read it to my mother before she passed away.
So, it's time to go. We'll finish this tomorrow night.
It'll be New Year's Eve, so that's perfect. 201 0.
It's gonna be a heck of a year, don't you think?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Sleep tight, Annie.
Turn around and say good morning to the night
For unless they see the sky
Go to her, 2B.
-You saw that? -Of course, 2B.
I see everything you see. Always have.
Now, go to her.
She's the one.
I thought I knew
But now I know
-Annie. -Sam? What are you doing here?
I'm gonna know you for a long, long time.
I'm gonna know you forever.
Somehow, someway. And I think that maybe all of this...
Every single bit of this madness has only ever been about one thing.
-What one thing, Sam? -This one thing.
For the people I have found
I thank the Lord for the people I have found
While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sam.
If that's true, then...
Then what?
Welcome to 1 973.
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light
Spaceman. Chris and l are headed to The Snug
to attempt to drink up all the salty margaritas in Manhattan.
-You in? -Yeah, I don't think so, Ray. Long day.
Come on, Sam. Ray wants to talk about the decline of Richard Nixon
and the death of hope. I'm gonna need backup.
-Okay. I'll meet you there. -All right.
(RlNGlNG)
What?
MAN: I said there were three things you needed to do
if you want to go home, Sam. Three. Are you ready for the third?
MAN: One more thing. One more thing, and then you are home, Sam.
You know what, pal? Maybe I don't want to go home so badly anymore.
What do you think of that, huh? 'Cause I like 1 973 and everybody in it.
And because a long time ago someone I love once told me
that whichever strange place you find yourself in,
make that your home.
Tyler, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, yeah. I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
(ROBOT BEEPlNG)
WINDY: We're losing him. Heart rate's dropping.
MAN: Clear. WINDY: Clear.
SAM: Way I figure, I'm in a coma somewhere.
Or on a very intense drug trip.
ANNIE: How can you just stand there
and insist that this is some puppet show
that's being performed in your head?
SAM: I don't know what's real anymore.
MA YA: I have to say goodbye. I gotta let you go.
WINDY: Terminating synaptic twirl network.
MAN: Copy.
WINDY: Returning to normal. Vital signs are within normal range.
2B is awake.
(ROBOT BEEPlNG)
Whoa.
WINDY: 2A, 1B, 3B are awake.
Homeostatic functions returning to normal.
W- 1-N-D coming online.
-SAM: Hey, Windy. -Hello, 2B.
The date, 2 March, 2035.
St. Christopher medals seemed to work, huh?
I guess they did.
WINDY: Martian surface deployment initialized.
ANNlE: Hello, Sam.
-Colonel Norris. -Welcome to Mars.
We made it.
-Yes, we did. -WINDY: Elapsed travel is two years,
three months and 22 days.
-Spaceman. You missed me? -Yeah.
MAN: Ground Control to Hyde 1-2-5. Uplink requested.
WINDY: Video uplink connected.
There you are, you sons of guns. It's great to have you back.
Congratulations, Colonel Norris. Your crew's cleared for touchdown.
By the way, Colonel,
President Obama really wanted to be in the control room when you landed.
But her father is seriously ill,
so she and her sister went to Chicago to be by his side.
-Well, send them our best. -Yeah, you got it.
Hey, Chris, where did Colonel Norris and her goofy boyfriend
-leave it when we took off? -I don't know. Why?
'Cause I think this mission to Mars just got a whole lot more complicated.
Morgan, we need to talk.
What did you do to me? My trip got trippy.
Well, the ship ran into a meteor storm. But with Windy's help,
we were able to keep all life support and navigation systems within range.
But there may have been some glitches
-in your neural stimulation program. -Glitches?
CHRIS : I still don't understand why you chose the neural-stim
to make you a cop in 2008.
Yeah, well, those glitches
knocked me back to 1 973 with all my 2008 memories intact.
I nearly went crazy. And you guys were all there.
I mean, you were different, but you were all there.
RAY: You poor bastard.
For my neural-stim, I was on a deserted island with 200 girls
who all looked like either Splash era Daryl Hannah
or Scarface era Michelle Pfeiffer.
Let me guess, there were no other men on this island.
There were, but they didn't have penises.
Maybe you weren't that different after all.
-Hey, I fell in love on my island. -Yeah?
I fell in love on my island, too.
RAY: It's the freakiest show, Spaceman.
WINDY: Hyde 1-2-5 deployment activation beginning.
It's pretty crazy down here. You guys are heroes.
Now, if you manage to find genetic DNA and a cure for cancer,
-well... -We will find genetic DNA, Frank.
And this will be one successful gene hunt.
WINDY: 1A awake.
There he is. Major Tom, how'd you sleep?
Like a drunk baby.
Frank, you look like hell.
I love you, too.
Windy, what's going on, sugar?
-WINDY: I missed you, Major Tom. -They all do.
So, before we do this amazing thing,
I just wanted to say that
I really don't want to fight with you anymore, Dad.
Life is good, kiddo.
It's like I've been telling you since you were a little boy,
whichever strange place you land in, make that your home.
While Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters
Sons of bankers, sons of lawyers
Turn around and say good morning to the night
WINDY: Portal is open.
For unless they see the sky
But they can't and that is why
They know not if it's dark outside or light